What to Say: Surgery
Surgery is a common experience, but each one is different.
Surgery is a common experience, but each one is different.
Surgery is a common experience, but each one is different.
What we'll cover
Surgery is a broad medical category. Many surgeries are performed each day in the United States, and not all of them require a hospital stay. In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll cover the realities of surgery in the U.S. and how you can help your loved one as they recover. We’ll also go over what to avoid saying.
What it is
Surgery is an incredibly common experience in the U.S. According to a 2019 report by the Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality (AHRQ), 11.9 million major ambulatory surgeries occurred in hospital-owned facilities that year. In 2018, AHRQ reported there were 14.4 million in-patient (treatments that may require a hospital stay) procedures performed. Some of the most common surgeries that required hospital stays were cesarean sections (C-sections), knee replacements and hip replacements. For ambulatory procedures, cataract and other lens-related surgeries were the most common.
Post-surgery care
Every surgery is different, depending on the necessity and procedure. MedlinePlus, a website by the National Library of Medicine, has advice for a variety of post-surgery conditions. They suggest readying a patient’s home for post-surgery recovery, including moving beds to the first floor and avoiding activities that could cause a fall. Certain surgical procedures may require an advanced level of care, including someone staying with the recovering patient.
Patients have many practical concerns after surgery. After surgery, patients often suffer from post-operative delirium (POD). A patient with POD may be confused, emotionally volatile or even experience hallucinations. According to the National Library of Medicine, “Post-operative delirium (POD) can occur from 10 minutes after anesthesia to up to 7 days in the hospital or until discharge.” POD is associated with worse post-operative outcomes, and a medical professional should be consulted. Post-surgery depression is also fairly common. The American Heart Association says up to 25% of cardiac patients experience the condition.
There are both medicated and non-medicated options for post-surgical pain. For non-medicated options, the Cleveland Clinic recommends meditation, particularly in the form of guided imagery, a full-body meditative practice which includes deep breathing while imagining a relaxing scene. The Cleveland Clinic recommends patients practice meditation before surgery and twice daily during recovery.
Recovery from any surgical procedure can be a long road. Be patient with your loved one as they start to heal. Help them celebrate their victories, however small. Remind your loved one and yourself that healing isn’t linear and hold space for all the complexities health issues bring.
What not to say
Surgery is a major event in someone’s life. We’ll help you avoid saying the wrong thing as your loved one recovers from this potentially painful event.
“So, when are you going to be in fighting shape?”
Why it doesn't work: The timeline to recover post-surgery can be long. Depending on your loved one’s age and health status, it could take longer than you’d expect. Don’t rush your friend’s recovery. Give your friend the space to recover, rather than pressing them to do so faster.
“My friend got XYZ surgery, and they were better in a matter of days!”
Why it doesn't work: Even for ambulatory surgery, every procedure and patient is different. Although you may know people who have gone through the same surgery, it is important to keep in mind that the outcomes for your loved one may be different than you’ve seen in the past. Keep in mind every medical procedure is held under different circumstances, and they may result in different outcomes.
“It wasn’t a big deal, right?”
Why it doesn't work: Your own worries about your loved one may result in you asking something like this. And that’s totally understandable. But don’t put the pressure on your loved one to relax you. Even routine ambulatory surgery can feel large to the person experiencing it. Don’t tell your loved one how to feel about their upcoming medical procedure.
“I’m so worried for you! I’m so scared of the hospital and doctors.”
Why it doesn't work: Many people have medical-based fears. And a loved one getting a procedure is nerve-wracking, but these kinds of concerns should be voiced to someone besides the loved one getting surgery. Bring all your positivity and good vibes to your loved one before their surgery.
"Good luck!"
Why it doesn't work: This is a good start, but shouldn’t be the end of what you say. Phrases like this can be read as a dismissal or flippant. Without a follow-up of some sort, your loved one may feel you’ve closed the conversation. Be sure that you don’t leave it there. Ask questions and be curious and interested. Your loved one will likely want to talk about their upcoming experience.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Now that we’ve gone over some things not to say, we’ll go over things you can say to offer your support. Focus on bringing comfort and care to your interactions with your post-operative loved one.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
“I’m so happy you’re getting the treatment you need. Focus on yourself, and take all the time you need to recover. Don’t push yourself.”
Why it works: In our productivity-minded culture, it can be hard to focus on rest. By saying something like this, you’re putting the focus where it belongs: on your loved one. The Cleveland Clinic reports 1 in 3 Americans avoid going to the doctor. This conversation starter acknowledges that getting treatment is a huge step. It also gives your loved one encouragement to keep focusing on their own care by taking post-operative recovery slowly.
"How are you feeling?"
Why it works: Open-ended questions like this one are always a good place to begin. This is especially true for a complicated issue like surgery. This leaves the door open for your loved one to fully express themselves. It doesn’t make any assumptions about how they feel and opens the floor for them to discuss what they just went through.
How to recover
If you said the wrong thing, there’s still plenty of time to recover. Medical issues can be ongoing, and there is no clear timeline for recovery. By continuing to be there, and providing practical support, you show your loved one that you care. Practical support is invaluable. Using your actions you can communicate your care.
Other suggestions
Practical help is especially important for those recovering from surgery. More than words, being there physically for a person recovering is important. If possible, offer to ferry them to doctor’s appointments or physical therapy. It may be painful for a post-operative patient to move around or do daily tasks. Making a homemade meal and bringing it to them, especially something they could reheat, would be appreciated.
If you live far from your loved one, you can still offer practical, post-operative assistance. Buy them a gift certificate to their favorite delivery joint, for example. Come up with some ideas of things you could do and offer them to your loved one, and let them decide. For example, a massage could be a good gift for some post-operative patients, but a bad gift for another. Be open when your loved one communicates what they need.