What to Say: Toddlers
Parents with toddlers face many social, emotional and developmental changes. Here’s how you can support them.
Parents with toddlers face emotional and developmental changes.
Parents with toddlers face emotional and developmental changes.
What we'll cover
Every stage of a parent’s journey can be difficult, but parents raising toddlers may experience many unique challenges. It is important to understand the social, emotional and developmental milestones that toddler’s experience at this stage of life.
In this “What To Say” guide, we’ll cover the difficulties of parenting at the toddler stage, what toddlers may do at this stage of life, what to say and not say to parents of toddlers, as well as other suggestions for ways to support.
What it is
Raising kids at the toddler stage (between 12 and 36 months) is said to be one of the most challenging because, in this stage of development, the toddler transitions from an infant to a small child. Toddlers will learn how to control their emotions, how to use their words to express themselves and how to be aware of their actions. They’re also learning how their actions can have consequences.
At this stage of life, articulating feelings can be frustrating and confusing. Developmental milestones for each child during this stage may vary because all children develop at their own pace. However, one thing is certain about this particular age group—a child’s unique temperament will emerge.
Understanding tantrums
According to parenting expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith, author of the book Beginnings: A Guide To Child Psychology and Development for Parents of 0-5-Year Olds, tantrums are normal for this age group and should be expected. Ockwell-Smith says a toddler's brain is not yet fully wired to control impulses and emotions. “Tantrums are ultimately caused by a lack of connection in the neocortex, the sophisticated ‘thinking’ part of the brain, meaning that the child can’t control their impulses, struggle with empathy, don’t understand the repercussions of their actions and can’t calm themselves down,” she writes.
This can be very taxing for parents who may feel like they’re doing something wrong or that their child’s behavior is a reflection of their parenting and home environment. Parents may feel alone, isolated and depressed as a result of parenting a toddler. Some may avoid going on outings with family and friends out of shame or embarrassment of their child’s behavior. Others may withdraw from social settings altogether due to physical exhaustion from caring for their toddler. Understand that they are in a confusing time in their child’s development and support them in their efforts.
What not to say
Active listening is important when providing support to a parent. Offer parenting advice only when asked, and try your best to keep advice and suggestions inspirational and non-judgemental. Here are several examples of what not to say.
"You should examine your own behavior as a parent.”"
Why it doesn't work: Instead of telling a parent what they “should do,” offer words of encouragement that lead to a positive new action. Telling a parent what they should do can possibly create a sense of guilt or make a parent feel insecure, depressed and discouraged.
"Your toddler is a reflection of you and your household."
Why it doesn't work: Projecting your personal opinion in a judgemental manner is never an asset when a family member or friend needs support. Patience, empathy, and compassion towards a parent of a toddler will help to ease the anxiety and stress that may arise during this phase.
"My toddler has excellent behavior."
Why it doesn't work: When you prop yourself up while your loved one is struggling, your words may come across as self-serving. Try to not compare parenting journeys as every parenting experience is unique. Center the personal experience of your loved one in their conversations with you about their feelings.
"Is there anything else happening at home that you want to discuss?"
Why it doesn't work: When aiming to be a support for parents of a toddler, it’s important not to pry. When a parent or guardian chooses to confide in you, it does not mean that it’s an open invitation to be nosy. Offer yourself up as a safe space without digging for additional, personal information.
"Are you spending enough time with them?"
Why it doesn't work: Speaking in a manner that makes a parent feel inadequate is never a good idea. Parenting a new child can be intimidating enough. This question does not work because it could lead to insecurity and doubts about your loved one’s parenting.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
There is no one size fits all circumstance when it comes to parenting during this stage, but it is always helpful to be equipped with thoughtful responses when the need arises.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"I am here for you whenever you would like to talk."
Why it works: When a parent, guardian or friend builds up the trust to confide in you about something as sensitive as struggling in their parenting, the last thing that one should do is make them feel guilty or embarrassed for their confession. Each parenting journey and stage is unique.
"I hear you, I see you, and your feelings are valid."
Why it works: Empathy always works. Let the parent know that a toddler acting out or having a tantrum does not define their parenting journey. Empower them with affirming words.
How to recover
Even when one has good intentions, it is still possible to say the wrong thing at an inopportune time. Making mistakes in communication is a great opportunity to learn “How to Be a Better Listener” and to practice humility in apologies.
Other suggestions
There are many ways you can lend your support to your loved one. Provide a list of online motivational and supportive parenting groups for your family member or friend, especially if their child is facing unique developmental challenges. You may also consider sending your loved one uplifting and practical parenting podcasts that they can refer to on a regular basis.