What to Say: Transphobia
Learn how to identify and combat an act of transphobia.
Learn how to identify and combat an act of transphobia.
Nathaniel Glanzman
Reviewer URLLearn how to identify and combat an act of transphobia.
What we'll cover
Today, the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) estimates there are more than two million transgender people living in the United States alone. Although there is ample historical evidence of transgender folks’ existence for thousands of years, transphobia unfortunately runs rampant in many cultures today.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll help you understand what transphobia is and provide information about how to identify and effectively combat an act of transphobia.
What it is
The HRC defines transphobia as “the specific hatred and fear of transgender and non-binary people that is all too often expressed by bigoted individuals or as part of the systemic inequality of our society.” TransActual UK, an organization advocating for the trans community, expands on this definition to describe transphobia as “a rejection of trans identity and a refusal to acknowledge that it could possibly be real or valid.”
Many transgender people first face transphobia within their own families. A 2020 report compiled by the HRC found that more than half of trans youth said they had been mocked by family members for their identity. In addition to experiencing transphobia from family, trans folks are also likely to face discrimination during grades K-12 or higher education, and in employment, housing, health care, legal systems, and every day settings such as grocery stores or restaurants.
The HRC’s report also found:
— The unemployment rate for trans individuals is three times higher than that of the general population.
— One in three trans people reported having been refused medical care due to their actual or perceived gender identity.
— 68% of transgender folks don’t have any form of ID that accurately lists their gender and name.
— Nearly one in three trans people report living in poverty.
— Transgender folks are targeted in hate crimes globally and are often murdered. The most common causes of death are being shot, stabbed, beaten, strangled, and stoned, in that order.
— Four out of every 10 transgender individuals have attempted suicide, most before the age of 25.
These are just a few of the sobering statistics about the quality of life of transgender people. When an ally condemns acts of transphobia and supports transgender people facing discrimination, they help both trans folks individually and throughout society.
How to identify transphobia
Transphobic behavior is often learned from family members, peers, and religious teachings. An obvious form of transphobia is bullying, but transphobia isn’t always recognizably derogatory. Transphobic behavior includes any act of discrimination, invalidation, or negative judgment regarding a trans person, people, or community at large. Even “jokes” made at the expense of trans folks are transphobic.
When transgender people experience transphobia, they may feel isolated, depressed, fearful, hopeless, and even suicidal. Providing unconditional love and support for your trans loved one will affirm that they are not alone, and they deserve to be accepted regardless of societal commentary on their gender identity.
What not to say
When a loved one opens up to you about a time that they’ve been the target of transphobia, it’s important to avoid making offensive remarks. If you’re unsure of what not to say, read through the following examples and explanations of why they don’t work.
"I’m sorry that happened to you — I can’t even tell that you’re transgender."
Why it doesn't work: The apology part of this response is great, but the backhanded compliment is problematic. While you may think it’s comforting or reassuring to tell your trans loved one that they “pass” as the gender they identify with, it shouldn’t matter if they display the traditional indicators of the gender binary or not. No one deserves to be harassed and demeaned by anyone for being transgender, whether you can “tell” they’re trans or not. The underlying message of this comment is that straying from gender binary norms is a bad thing and obeying gender binary norms is a good thing, ultimately implying that identifying as trans is a negative thing.
"Have you considered doing hormone therapy or getting surgery to look more like your gender? Maybe you wouldn’t be targeted as much then."
Why it doesn't work: Offering a solution may seem helpful, but a trans individual shouldn’t have to “pass” as cisgender to be treated with respect and dignity. A person’s appearance doesn’t warrant discriminatory, rude, or mean treatment from others, and it’s wrong to put the onus on the trans person to “fix” their appearance in order to not “offend” transphobic individuals.
“They’re probably just part of the older generation. You know how they are.”
Why it doesn't work: Age is never a valid excuse for any type of discriminatory behavior. You’re never too old to learn to treat all people with dignity and respect, no matter how underdeveloped certain social issues were during the younger years of a generation.
"Maybe it wouldn’t draw as much attention if you wore more subtle clothes."
Why it doesn't work: This again puts the onus on the trans person to not offend anyone by simply living and expressing themselves the way they wish to. A transgender individual should never have to modify the way they look or present to avoid verbal and physical harassment from transphobic folks. Rather, the onus is on the transphobic individual to do the inner work to overcome their biases and be a decent human being.
"You’re happy with who you are, so who cares what other people think."
Why it doesn't work: The sentiment behind this perspective comes from a well-meaning place, but advising an individual who’s being harassed and discriminated against (or worse) to just ignore the mistreatment is not empathetic and extremely ignorant. It’s callous to treat transphobic behavior as anything but the social pandemic it is, and such dismissive statements diminish the impact of discrimination across the board by ignoring a person's real, lived experience.
What to say
Now that we’ve covered what you should not say when witnessing or learning about an act of transphobia, here are a few suggestions of helpful things to say to communicate your acceptance, support and allyship.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"I’m so sorry you experienced that for simply being yourself."
Why it works: Recognizing that your trans loved one doesn’t deserve the hateful treatment they’ve endured from transphobic individuals is paramount. It reassures them that they are not the one to blame. They are not the “problem” in the scenario.
"What can I do to support you?"
Why it works: Even better than simply acknowledging the horrendous treatment trans folks are subjected to is asking how you can show up and support them. Certain people may need different types of support, and that support could change with time. Asking what you can do for them shows that you care, are invested in their livelihood and want to meet them where they’re at currently.
How to recover
If you find that you’ve offended your transgender loved one, the best thing to do is sincerely apologize, take full responsibility and put the work in to do better in the future. This could include reading relevant books, listening to podcasts with trans hosts and guests, searching for testimonials of lived experience by other trans folks, and watching documentaries that follow the lives of and challenges faced by transgender people. Showing your loved one you took actionable steps to learn and grow is the best way to prove that you sincerely care about supporting them.
Other suggestions
If you find yourself a bystander to transphobic remarks, firmly call out the transphobic language. For example, if you hear someone calling a trans person by the incorrect name or pronouns, you can say, "Actually, their pronouns are [correct pronouns]." When transphobic people aren’t held accountable for their actions, it affirms to them and others that their views are normal and acceptable. Don’t just comfort your loved ones after the fact; practice active allyship by standing up for transgender folks in the moment as well.
In addition to asking how you can support your trans loved ones, put in the work to educate yourself on transgender issues and allyship as well. Books—including Trans Like Me: A Journey for All of Us by C.N. Lester and Beyond the Gender Binary by Alok Vaid-Menon—are great resources, as are the podcasts What the Trans!? and The T Pod. If TV is your preferred method of content consumption, check out the fictional shows like Pose and Work in Progress and the documentaries Call Her Ganda and The Trans List.
Take the initiative to become a more informed ally. Show you’re truly invested in doing everything you can to make the world a more accepting, safe place for transgender folks.