What to Say: Wedding Anniversary
Marking another year in your loved one’s marriage
Marking another year in your loved one’s marriage
Marking another year in your loved one’s marriage
What we'll cover
Marriage is a near-universal cultural practice, but the wedding and anniversary traditions we consider “standard” in much of the United States today are mostly drawn from the Victorian period.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll cover the basics of “traditional” wedding anniversary presents and why people celebrate wedding anniversaries. We’ll also let you know what to say and what not to say on someone’s wedding anniversary.
What it is
Wedding anniversaries are held yearly on the anniversary of one’s wedding date. They are a time when couples can celebrate (and be celebrated for) their marriage together. Big wedding anniversaries—like ones for the fifth, tenth and 25th year together—are more likely to be remarked upon by loved ones outside of the marriage. But any wedding anniversary is one to celebrate.
In classic etiquette guides, like Emily Post’s Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home, certain gifts for certain anniversaries were thought of as “traditional.” For example, the first year of marriage was meant to correspond with paper gifts, and when celebrating the 50th wedding anniversary, the gift should be gold. These guidelines are widely published, but couples may or may not follow them.
As Time magazine noted in 2017, most of these traditions grew in popularity in English-language regions of the world during the 19th century. As weddings became more commercialized, so too did anniversaries, and a whole list of wedding anniversary gifting rules was invented by retailers like jewelry and home goods stores.
Why we celebrate
There are good reasons to celebrate a wedding anniversary. Marriage is both a private relationship between two people and a public ritual.
Certain wedding anniversary rituals, like a public vow renewal, allow married couples to re-express their love for one another in front of a larger group. In a 2002 paper on marriage renewal rituals, one couple renewing their vows said: “We want it to be clear to us and to other people that we choose to stay married.” Couples in the study expressed their desire to show their love to others, to mark their commitment and to step outside the everyday.
Celebrations are a good way to mark time in our lives. They allow us a moment to reflect on our experiences, which is especially vital in a layered relationship like marriage. Performing rituals helps reduce anxiety.
When celebration is hard
It should be noted that wedding anniversaries can be particularly hard for those who have lost a spouse. A 2013 study on older, widowed people found that those who lost a spouse reported greater feelings of despair and loss around important dates for their spouse, such as their wedding anniversary or their late spouse’s birthday. They found that social support, like “positive commemorations” could provide positive results.
If you know someone who has lost a spouse, reaching out to them on their wedding anniversary to give them space to talk about their late spouse could help them through this acute period of grief.
What not to say
Wedding anniversaries, by and large, are celebratory times. Even for those who lost a spouse, a wedding anniversary can create a moment to reflect on good times. Don’t be afraid to reach out.
"Happy 12th? 11th? 10th? Anniversary"
Why it doesn't work: If you are not sure what anniversary your loved one is celebrating, wishing them a “Happy Anniversary” is a better idea than trying to make a guess.
"Happy anniversary! Who knew you’d make it this far?"
Why it doesn't work: Teasing can be appropriate, depending on your relationship with the celebrant. But if they have been going through a rough patch with their spouse or you don’t know them well, wish them a happy anniversary without any jokes.
"You’re seriously doing a vow renewal?"
Why it doesn't work: However one chooses to celebrate their wedding anniversary, it is not your job to pass judgment on it. Vow renewals can be a good time to check in with one another and acknowledge the changes a couple have undergone together. Congratulate them.
"You’re only going to dinner to celebrate your anniversary?"
Why it doesn't work: Like the example above, it isn’t your place to remark on how others want to mark their important moments. If they want to go all out or just stay in, that is a decision for the married couple to make. Let them celebrate their way.
“Sorry, but I’m never going to remember your wedding anniversary."
Why it doesn't work: Thankfully, the Thoughtful app can help you here. Mark the important date so you don’t forget in the future. Remembering our loved one's important dates is a way to show that we care. A 2022 study concluded when we celebrate one another’s milestones, those celebrated perceive themselves as having more social support. People see you care when you remember their positive moments.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing. A simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Wedding anniversaries can be celebratory occasions. These suggestions will help you celebrate the living and honor those who have passed.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"Happy anniversary! What are you doing to celebrate? What was great about your marriage this year?"
Why it works: This conversation starter both celebrates the wedding anniversary and gives the celebrant time to reflect. These questions spark practical (how they are celebrating) and emotional (what’s going great) answers. This also gives the celebrant time to think about their own marriage and speak about it.
"I’ve been thinking about you today, on your wedding anniversary. We all miss Joan, and I just wanted to reach out. Can I tell you my favorite memory of her?"
Why it works: If your loved one’s spouse has passed, it is still a good idea to reach out. By sharing positive memories of your widowed loved one’s spouse, you can positively commemorate the occasion.
How to recover
If you’ve said the wrong thing, apologize. Reflect on what caused you to say the wrong thing so you can make sure you don’t do it again in the future.
If you’ve missed the date, sending a belated message is better than no message at all. And mark the date down so you don't forget in the future.
Other suggestions
If your loved ones have children, offering to babysit can be a great anniversary gift.
If your loved one is celebrating a big anniversary—like their 25th or 50th year together—it may be appropriate to throw them a party. Reach out to those closest to the wedded couple and see if there’s something you can do together to celebrate.