What to Say: Weddings
Learn what to say and do to be the best wedding guest.
Learn what to say and do to be the best wedding guest.
Be the go-to person with whom you can talk nuptials.
What we'll cover
Marriage is a near-universal cultural practice spanning the globe. Marriage codifies a romantic relationship, granting it unique legal, religious or cultural validity. It makes sense then that this significant event often has an elaborate cultural practice to go along with it: the wedding. In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll cover the history of weddings, what to say to a couple tying the knot and what topics to avoid.
What it is
As a country with a long history of immigration, many types of weddings take place in the United States. But many of the “traditional” markers of a modern wedding in the U.S. arise from British wedding habits of the late 19th century. The white wedding dress, for example, came to prominence in 1840. Queen Victoria of England wore a white dress when marrying Prince Albert, giving rise to a trend that continues to this day. Additionally, the ubiquity of the large wedding only came to prominence in the U.S. in the 1950s, underlining the values of the day—heterosexual marriage and stay-at-home wives.
In 2017, the wedding industry made $3 billion in the U.S. and $72 billion worldwide. According to a survey by wedding website The Knot, the average wedding in 2017 cost $33,391. The median U.S. income that same year was $60,336. Weddings are an enormous and often pricey undertaking. Consumers frequently complain of a “wedding markup” where services are priced higher for weddings than for other large-scale events.
But weddings are still an important social rite. A large part of weddings, as a ritual, is to bring together groups of loved ones, including extended family, to witness this important marker of a life change. The traditional purpose of a wedding, to mark a life transition, applies even in the current age. One participant in a study from John Carroll University about modern marriage noted, “It’s the only good time in your life where you’re probably going to have all your family and friends together in one spot, all at once.” Weddings reinforce social ties and help the romantic couple acknowledge the importance of a strong community, outside their partnership.
Wedding day emotions
The wedding day is a very emotional day, for guests and the marrying couple themselves. Guests may feel excitement over the festivities and happiness for the couple. For parents of the marrying couple, the day may be more bittersweet. Their happiness for their child could be tinged with a bit of sadness. Their child is fully grown up and likely has or will leave the nest.
For the marrying couple, the emotions will be even more complicated. They are entering a new phase of their life. This will prompt happiness and, perhaps, some trepidation at taking such a large step. On top of this, the marrying couple are hosting a party. This comes with its own stress over logistics and practical concerns. And, as the marrying couple, they will be the center of attention. This may make one experience stage fright, feel awkward or cause other nerves.
The best way to support the emotions of the marrying couple is to be a great guest. Have fun. Keep any complaints to yourself. Be excited for the couple, even if they're overwhelmed by anxiety. Don’t wear white, unless asked to do so. Don’t forget your gift, but if you do, don’t worry. Traditional rules say you have a year to send a gift to the happy couple.
What not to say
A wedding is not only a joyous event, but a stressful one. Avoid these conversation starters unless you want to cause more stress to the couple on their happy day.
"Where am I sitting?"
Why it doesn't work: This is a bad question to ask before the ceremony and a bad one to ask at the reception. Although you may be thinking about how to best get the conversational ball rolling at your table, the marrying couple likely has 100 other things on their mind. Don’t give them more stress by asking for information that you do not need or can locate on your own.
"I hope you will/will not invite Steve."
Why it doesn't work: Weddings are about the married couple. No matter your usual relationship with the person in question, it isn’t for you to determine who is important in the lives of the couple. Let the couple decide who they want to invite, and roll with the punches. Even the most intimate wedding leaves you space to avoid that person you simply don’t want to see.
"At my wedding, everything went wrong!"
Why it doesn't work: Your loved one doesn’t need to hear every wedding horror story you have. Planning an event of any size is stressful enough. You don’t need them scrambling for contingencies that may never occur. Leave the horror stories for other wedding guests rather than the couple at the center of the event.
"My wedding was amazing. Let me help you."
Why it doesn't work: Unless the couple is specifically asking for your wedding expertise, unsolicited advice is not the way to go. Weddings bring unsolicited opinions out of a lot of people in a marrying couple’s life. Don’t make your voice one of the chorus.
"There’s a problem at the bar/with your cousin/in the bathroom."
Why it doesn't work: Find a trusted friend of the marrying couple if you need to raise an issue. Let the couple bask in the event they planned, and leave any problem solving to someone who isn’t tying the knot. Bridesmaids, groomsmen, wedding planners, or even a particularly to-do-list-loving friend are who you should tap for day-of issues.
"This reminds me of Sandra’s wedding!"
Why it doesn't work: The marrying couple likely put a lot of work into the event. They also picked out rituals from the large variety of wedding rituals to make their event personal to them. You can mention a similarity to another wedding guest, perhaps, but the couple doesn’t need to hear how similar their wedding was to someone else’s wedding.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Now that we’ve established that you shouldn’t ask your loved one to ever pull out a seating chart to sate your curiosity, we’ll help you be a gracious guest before and after a wedding event.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary, and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"Thank you so much for letting me be part of this beautiful day. You both look lovely!"
Why it works: A large part of a wedding is the joy of having all your loved ones in a single place. This thank you acknowledges the couple and the specialness of your own inclusion on the invite list.
"This wedding was amazing. And so are you. You’re such a genuine couple and your nuptials reflected your honesty and sincerity."
Why it works: Every wedding—no matter how small—takes some amount of planning. The marrying couple has likely spent months, if not longer, planning for this and taken extreme care on the details. By noting a detail of the event and how it matches what you know of the couple, you’ll likely make them feel extra special.
How to recover
If you said something wrong on the day of the wedding, don’t sweat it. The marrying couple has likely had more conversations than they can even remember. Additionally, by trying to make an apology at the event, you’ll take away from the reason you are there. You are not there to apologize to the couple, turning the spotlight towards yourself. You are there to celebrate the couple. Tamp down any lingering embarrassment, and show your enthusiasm on the dance floor.
If you’ve said the wrong thing prior to the big day, try to reflect on what made you say that and resolve to speak more carefully in the future.
Other suggestions
Weddings, as we’ve stated, are a time when every aunt, uncle and bakery assistant will want to offer their two cents on how to properly throw a wedding. If you’re close to the couple, cut that off at the pass. For example, if your aunt says she’s going to call the marrying couple to ask about hotels, offer to look up a room for her or point her towards the couple’s wedding website. Anything you can do to make sure the couple is not bothered by unnecessary feedback is worth its weight in gold.