What to Say: Workplace Conflict
Workplace conflicts can spill out of the office. Offer your support to a loved one during this difficult time.
Workplace conflicts can spill out of the office. Offer your support to a loved one during this difficult time.
Workplace conflicts can spill out of the office. Offer your support to a loved one during this difficult time.
What we'll cover
Going through a conflict can be hard and frustrating. Experiencing conflict in a work environment offers unique challenges due to financial instability and proximity to one’s co-workers. If a friend or loved one is experiencing a workplace conflict, they’ll need outside support as they navigate this particular time.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll look at what creates conflict, how it can manifest in the workplace and how this conflict can affect one’s mental health. You’ll also learn which phrases to avoid and which ones to actively use when offering support.
What it is
Workplace conflicts are inevitable. “Conflict is present wherever humans are present,” says organizational psychologist Gena Cox, Ph.D. “Conflict is the manifestation of people seeing the same reality and perceiving it differently or having different life experiences that cause them to interpret information differently.”
Unfortunately, this makes conflicts quite common. An international study by CPP, Inc. (publisher of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® assessment) found that 85% of workers at all levels experienced some form of conflict at work.
Workplaces are particularly susceptible to conflicts because of the power dynamics at play. At work, everybody is not on the same level, Cox says. Some people hold a higher position, some are richer, some come from prestigious universities and some are just trying to hold a job to pay their bills.
These kinds of power differences can give rise to conflicts. If you feel powerless in a situation, it can breed negative feelings. “When you're dealing with someone who has more power than you, you have to be careful because you don't want to lose your job or be penalized,” Cox says. “This creates resentment which can eventually spill out into conflict.”
Adverse effects
Conflicts are damaging both for the individual as well as the company. According to Advisory, Conciliation and Arbitration Service (Acas), a workplace advisory firm, organizations lose billions of dollars to workplace conflicts, while workers struggle to manage their mental health and maintain the desired level of performance amidst unhealthy and uncomfortable work conditions. Known as psychosocial stressors, these can cause various physical and mental health symptoms like headaches, digestion issues, anxiety, and depression. If this kind of stress remains untreated for a long time, it can lead to an increase in blood pressure and a weaker immune response.
If you notice your loved ones experiencing workplace conflicts, utilize caution and care in your interactions with them. Stressful events like workplace conflicts can be emotionally taxing, but studies show feeling supported during tough times like this helps. If small actions on your part can make a difference in your loved one’s life, it’s worth it to show up and offer your full support.
What not to say
Helping a loved one through a workplace conflict can require lots of patience and understanding. Human beings spend the majority of their life working, so it’s important to make sure your words don’t hurt your friend’s career prospects. Here are a few things you should avoid saying to someone experiencing a workplace conflict.
"It’s not a big deal."
Why it doesn't work: Work is an important part of most people’s lives. Whether they’re holding a job to pay the bills or because they’re passionate about what they do, it doesn’t help to minimize your friend’s concerns. Empathize with them instead of trying to downplay their problems.
"You should do…"
Why it doesn't work: Trying to tell someone what to do is almost always a bad idea. Pushing the person to do something can make them feel pressured, especially when they’re already struggling. Plus, it’s possible you’re simply not the right person to offer advice. “Don’t offer help because you really don’t know enough about their situation,” Cox says. “Don't give them a solution. Just ask them what they desire in the situation.”
"I agree that the person/situation is bad."
Why it doesn't work: It may be tempting to agree with everything your friend says just to make them feel better, but this can backfire. “Don’t add your judgment about the situation,” Cox says. “It can make the situation worse by adding fuel to the fire.” Whether you think the person/situation is right or wrong doesn't matter here. Focus instead on how your friend is feeling.
"Just get a new job."
Why it doesn't work: People have many reasons to hold on to a potentially unhealthy job. Maybe they’re struggling to find employment elsewhere. Maybe they have debt. Maybe they’re not in the right headspace to make big career moves. Either way, it doesn’t help to tell your friend to quit their job and find something else if that isn’t a real possibility for them at the moment.
"I experienced the same thing."
Why it doesn't work: Sharing a similar experience when your friend is venting can seem like a perfectly acceptable thing to do. But this redirects the conversation to yourself. Show support by giving your friend the space to open up and talk about what they’re experiencing. This is not the time to tell your story.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Now that you understand what harmful phrases to avoid, let’s look at what you can say to help your loved ones through workplace conflicts. Kind, empathetic words can make your loved ones feel heard and supported, making it easy for them to work through their problems.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"I hear you."
Why it works: This statement is simple but powerful. It’s tempting to offer solutions and end the conversation, but often, people just want to feel heard. “Let them know that you hear what it is that they're trying to communicate,” Cox says. “The most important thing is just to empathize and say ‘I hear the situation that you're in and I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. What would you like to have happen?’”
"What do you wish would change?"
Why it works: Asking questions gives the person the space to reflect on the situation and explore their feelings in a safe way. It also shows you’re taking an active interest in their situation without coming off too strong.
How to recover
If you’ve said the wrong thing accidentally, don’t panic. Offer a heartfelt apology. Don’t give excuses. Own up to your mistake. Say something like, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.” It won’t fix the problem or undo the hurt, but it will let your friend know that you hold good intentions and genuinely want to help.
Check out our guide on ”What to Say: Apologies” and “How to Be a Better Listener” for more help.
Other suggestions
There are various ways to show support if your friend is experiencing conflict. You know your friend the best, so you’re the expert on understanding what will help them feel better. Here are some suggestions to help you get started.
Offer actionable help
Why it works: Instead of leaving it up to your friend to reach out and seek help, try to be proactive and suggest ways to help. It can be difficult for a person in a crisis to ask you to do something, so offer actionable help before they ask. This can be as simple as making them dinner or as big as connecting them with a lawyer or a psychologist who can help.
Brainstorm together
Why it works: Sometimes people just need a space to think out loud. If that’s the case, you can help your friend by brainstorming ideas together. “Help them generate some solutions for themselves,” Cox says. “Ask them questions and mirror that information back to them to help them think things through.”