What to Say: Loss of a Sibling
Sibling loss comes with a unique grief experience that is often overlooked or misunderstood
Sibling loss is a unique grief experience.
Renee Harleston
Reviewer URLSibling loss is a unique grief experience.
What we'll cover
Grief affects each person, especially after losing a sibling. It's important to comfort a grieving friend without invalidating their experience. Your words should convey how you intend to support your loved one and their needs.
This "What to Say" guide will cover what not to say to a loved one, conversation ice breakers and how to recover from saying the wrong thing. We'll also suggest nonverbal gestures to show your loved one you care.
What it is
Losing a sibling is tragic. Megan Devine, LPC, founder of Refuge in Grief, says it's important to emphasize the universality of human experience when talking to a grieving person. You can't make your loved one feel happy, and that's not your duty in your supportive role. Many people find it challenging to discuss these topics, but making a loved one feel heard is crucial.
Losing a sibling means mourning the past and lamenting the future of what could have been a life with the deceased. Bereaved siblings often feel “disenfranchised grief,” when the depth of their loss or the intimacy of their relationship with their dead sibling is not fully appreciated. Understanding the uniqueness of sibling loss and the mourning process can help you be there for your loved one authentically.
Feelings and responses
The nature and intensity of feelings caused by a loss are related to the individuality and uniqueness of the relationship. While there are no set stages of grief, many grieving siblings may have these common responses:
— A sense of numbness
— Loss of or increased appetite
— Reduced concentration
— Disturbed sleep patterns
— Erratic shifts in emotional vitality
Unique considerations
Limited research on sibling loss contributes to misunderstandings about the associated grief. Surviving siblings may feel "trumped" by other family members' sadness and guilt for acting out of line, harboring inappropriate emotions (such as envy), or fearing for their own life without their sibling. Surviving siblings often feel bitter and angry after a sibling's death. Sibling rivalry, which may contribute to postmortem guilt, persists throughout life, peaking in early adulthood. Younger and middle-aged adults are more likely to develop mental health issues such as survivor guilt, PTSD, anxiety, depression and eating disorders after the death of a sibling.
What not to say
In your well-intentioned attempts to comfort, you may say hurtful, dismissive, invalidating or unhelpful things while focused on tiptoeing around the grim subject. Try to be supportive of your loved one, but avoid these phrases.
Not speaking or saying anything at all.
Why it doesn’t work: Remember that empathy for any human emotion, especially grief, is always appreciated. Don't avoid talking to your loved ones, even if it's complicated. It may be uncomfortable to bring up their sibling's loss when you know they're going through a challenging time, but it's important to vocally express empathy for them.
"They're in a better place."
Why it doesn’t work: It can be tough to know how to act around someone who is grieving. It's important to remember that everyone experiences grief differently and not try to push your beliefs onto them. This can make the grieving person feel like you're diminishing their pain. Grief is challenging because the person who died is no longer physically present.
“I know what you’re going through.”
Why it doesn't work: It can be invalidating to interject your personal experiences when someone is going through a loss, especially if it is a loved one's sibling. Grief is a universal feeling but unique to each individual who experiences it. You can never understand entirely how another individual suffers through loss, and saying, "I understand how you feel,” could seem dismissive.
"How are you doing?"
Why it doesn't work: The phrase "how are you" can be interpreted differently than intended. It may translate to a bereaved person as, "Please tell me you're doing all right since it's unpleasant if you admit you're not doing well." When asked this question, most individuals would say, "I'm OK,” instead of opening up about how they truly feel.
“You’re doing better than I would’ve expected.”
Why it doesn't work: The person you’re speaking to may be putting on an act. If you're surprised by their demeanor, they could perceive it to mean that they aren't supposed to be going through what they're experiencing. It could be that they're trying to save face or don't want to seem feeble. In any case, consider the possibility that someone might not be telling you the whole story.
What to say
If a friend or loved one’s sibling has died, offer to listen if they want to share memories of their sibling when they were alive or how their death affects them emotionally or in other ways. Be present with your loved one and offer to talk, but don't force yourself into their grieving process.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary, and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
“I heard your [sibling] died.”
Why it works: Put things on the table. It's okay to use the term "death." Doing so shows that you're willing to hear the mourning person and acknowledge their feelings.
"If you need someone to chat with or vent to, I'll be here for you."
Why it works: You might say this to a loved one who's having trouble sleeping or eating, is distracted at school or work, or withdrawing socially. A remark like this is a subtle way to alert your loved one that you’ve noticed they may need extra support.
“I’m at a loss for words, but please know how much I care about you.”
Why it works: When you communicate with your loved one, do it sincerely, without minimizing their loss or offering simple answers. Sometimes, instead of trying to come up with anything to say, it's best to listen or express that you don't know what to say but that you care.
How to recover
If you think you said something that offended somebody who is grieving, don't worry about trying to make them feel better. It's unlikely that you could make them feel worse than they already do. Just apologize if you recognize you said something you probably shouldn't have, and remind your loved one that you are always there for them.
Other suggestions
Support and comfort in your loved ones’ time of need may be conveyed through even the smallest gestures.
— Assist in making funeral preparations.
— Offer to help with errands.
— Provide care for their children or fetch them from school.
— Go out to eat or see a movie together.
— Attend a support group meeting with them.