What to Say: Long-Distance Friendship
Friendships can change and grow, even from afar.
Friendships can change and grow, even from afar.
Friendships can change and grow, even from afar.
What we'll cover
Long-distance relationships are hard, whether they are romantic or platonic. In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll cover the science of long-distance friendships. We’ll also discuss what to say to a long-distance friend, what not to say and additional suggestions for keeping those geographically far emotionally close.
What it is
According to one study, friendship—more than other relationship types like familial relationships—are more flexible to change. Friendship allows autonomy for each individual member along with a shared past and planned future. These components of friendship make it uniquely qualified to adapt to the changes distance may bring.
A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships examined how friendships, whether geographically distant or near, can change in terms of intimacy. Best friends may transition just into being close friends for a time. After a while, they may regain the intimacy to call themselves “best friends” again. Over the course of a friendship, levels of intimacy can wax and wane. Friendships may change, but are in no way doomed to end because of distance.
But not all methods of staying in touch are created equal. A survey of adults in the United States, completed during the 2020 lockdown, showed communication methods more closely aligned with face-to-face communication (like video or phone calls) correlated with higher levels of social connectedness. Digital communication methods (ie, email, texts, social media) related to lower social presence create a negative sense of connectedness.
Maintaining friendship
Dr. Marisa G. Franco, author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends as an Adult, says shared interests don’t have to fall to the wayside due to distance. As she told NPR, friendships can have a shared interest “anchor” to return to, such as a shared TV show or hobby. These shared interests can help a friendship along in hard or busy times. A 2018 study even suggested the similarities between friends start at the top: the brain. Researchers showed friends movie clips while in an MRI machine and closer friends showed matching regions of the brain lighting up at the clip. Science shows: you need to send your friend that cat video.
Self-disclosure, or the act of sharing about yourself, is an important component of friendship as well. A 2017 study of 2,000 participants showed those who were willing to self-disclose over text message received greater social support from the person to whom they disclosed, even six months later. In a relationship mediated by distance, vulnerability may be even more important for maintaining the closeness of a relationship.
What not to say
Friends who live far from one another face challenges, many of them based on miscommunication. Without face-to-face communication, it can be hard to interpret tone or pick up on body language. This puts extra pressure on the words you say to one another. We’ll cover a few things not to say to your long-distant loved one.
“What’s up with me? Pretty much nothing.”
Why it doesn't work: It can be hard to remember all the things you wanted to say to your long-distance friend. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn't try. Phrases like this immediately bring a halt to a conversation. Even if it doesn’t seem important to you, it may be interesting to your friend. A funny anecdote or interesting fact you read is better than reporting “nothing.”
“Who is that?”
Why it doesn't work: Remembering names is hard. It becomes even more difficult when your friend is describing people you’ve never met and may never meet. However, with a long-distance friendship, it is even more important to keep an ear out for details. If your friend frequently talks about someone, make note of it. You can do this in the Thoughtful app using our “Add a Thought” feature.
“Oh yeah, I stopped watching that show/doing that hobby/cooking that meal.”
Why it doesn't work: Long-distance friendships benefit from an anchor. If you suddenly decide to dump your shared interest, it could be hurtful to your friend or friendship. Try to keep up shared interests, or gain another mutual interest in its place. If you do drop a shared interest, let your friend know why. This kind of self-disclosure is another way to shore up your friendship.
“No, I don't have a weird tone. Nothing is wrong.”
Why it doesn't work: Having a healthy confrontation is hard. Having one with someone who doesn’t live in your city is even harder. But don’t let your frustration get the best of you. Trust your friend will stay your friend if you have a conflict. Part of friendship is honesty. Even for those friends you do not see face-to-face, you may have occasional struggles. It is better for your friendship if you are honest and open about how you are feeling, even when it is difficult. (For more information, see “How to Deal with a Changing Relationship.”)
“I really don’t have time to talk.”
Why it doesn't work: Like any relationship, friendships take work. This is especially true with long-distance friends. Make time for your friend. Having a standing date on the books, like a phone call each month, can help make the distance easier.
What to say
There are many ways to nurture a long-distance friendship. In this section, we’ll give you some conversation starters to keep your friendship close.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
“I saw this movie/book/TV show/etc. that I think you’d love.”
Why it works: There is no such thing as too many anchors within your friendship. By mentioning something you saw that your friend may love, you’re indicating both that you know your friend and you are thinking of them, even when you’re far away. These kinds of phrases can help your friend know they are on your mind.
“We should read this book together/We should cook this recipe/Try this online workout with me.”
Why it works: Even if you aren’t able to physically cook, read or exercise together, these kinds of ongoing activities can be a real boon to a friendship. This will give you something to discuss, and a way to feel more connected during times when you may be too busy to have a long conversation.
“Tell me what’s going on with Jenny’s boyfriend. Did he end up moving to Tampa?”
Why it works: Remembering what your loved one is up to (and who is in their life) lets your friend know that you care. Try to remember what your friend is doing, and check in on it all. It will help you both feel closer.
How to recover
If you’ve not connected in a while with a friend or have been keeping things surface-level, there’s still time to reconnect. Friendships are flexible. Friends become closer and more distant throughout time. It isn't a linear process. Like with any relationship, just resolve to do better tomorrow.
Don’t be afraid to have an open discussion of what may be going wrong in your friendship. Your friend may feel the same way and, by resolving the issue, you may become closer than ever.
Other suggestions
There are so many interesting ways to connect with a long-distant pal. We’ve written some for you to try:
— Set up a shared music playlist so you can soundtrack your life together.
— Play an online video game with your friend.
— Take advantage of the strength of the postal service by mailing letters or packages back-and-forth.
— Join the fantasy realm together with fantasy sports or a Dungeons and Dragons game.