What to Say: Loss of a Parent
Parental loss can be emotionally difficult for a friend or loved one. Show you care with your support.
Parental loss can be emotionally difficult for a friend or loved one. Show you care with your support.
Parental loss can be emotionally difficult for a friend or loved one. Show you care with your support.
What we'll cover
While death is a fact of life, this doesn’t make the loss of a parent any easier. Regardless of one’s circumstances, losing a parent can be personally challenging for a variety of reasons. As a friend or loved one, it is important to show your support during this particular time of need.
The examples in this “What to Say” guide will help you learn more about your loved one’s experience surrounding the death of their parent. You will learn how to acknowledge their unique experience and provide a loving space for them to grieve.
What it is
The term “grief” refers to the feelings one may experience following a loss, such as the death of a loved one. According to the Mayo Clinic, a person experiencing grief “might find themselves feeling numb and removed from daily life, unable to carry on with regular duties while saddled with their sense of loss.”
Grief will likely disrupt a person’s day-to-day life. A griever might experience difficulty sleeping, appetite changes or emotional exhaustion. They may also withdraw from others or lose interest in their regular activities.
Grief due to the loss of a parent is unique to each individual. If the parent was active in your friend’s life, they may find it incredibly difficult to return to their daily routine without their parent. They might also feel anger or confusion about how and why the death happened. Others may feel a sense of relief for the end of a parent’s pain and suffering. Or they may have mixed emotions about a challenging relationship they had when their parent was alive.
Grief and Identity
Someone processing the death of a parent may feel like the loss has transformed them. They may question their identity as a result of their parent’s death. “Eventually, we must learn how to reorganize our sense of self and rediscover our unique place in the world without our loved one,” writes Ralph Ryback, M.D. in Psychology Today.
Your loved one will probably experience various stages of grief as time goes on. However, their grief should not be time-bound. Death cannot simply be erased from your friend’s life by the passage of time. Emotions and reactions can feel very immediate and real, even long after the loss occurs.
Losing a parent is a major event that could have ripple effects on many aspects of your friend’s life. Remember that the experience is different for everyone. Listen to your friend with the aim to understand their unique situation. This approach will help you find the right words and support to offer them during this time.
What not to say
Before offering words of support, eliminate all assumptions about how your friend may feel about their parent’s death or any expectations of how they should process it. Below are examples of what not to say when speaking to your loved one about the death of their parent.
"It was their time."
Why it doesn't work: This statement implies that the parent was supposed to die at this time based on their age, health or other circumstances. In reality, the timing of a parent’s death can be difficult for a griever to accept or understand, regardless of when it happens. The timing does not change the fact that the parent has died.
"I know exactly how you feel."
Why it doesn't work: Even if you have also lost a parent, you don’t know exactly how someone else feels because loss and grief will affect everyone differently. Let your loved one tell you how they feel about their parent’s death. Don’t make assumptions based on your own experience.
"Everything happens for a reason."
Why it doesn't work: Death can feel cruel and unfair, no matter the circumstances. This statement minimizes your friend’s feelings of pain or confusion about their parent’s death, and it suggests that this loss should not be difficult for them. Instead, acknowledge that it’s an incredibly challenging experience and that you are here to support them in their time of need.
"Be strong."
Why it doesn't work: This statement puts unnecessary and unfair pressure on your friend to act a certain way, potentially covering up how they truly feel. This is an attempt to control their personal experience and invalidates the complex range of emotions they may have about their parent’s death. Do not tell your friend how they should feel or act.
"Time heals all wounds."
Why it doesn't work: This statement imposes a deadline for when your loved one should “get over” their parent’s death. In reality, there is no correct timeline for grief. Although the immediate shock and pain may fade, your loved one may carry memories and feelings about the relationship with their parent for the rest of their life. Instead of enforcing a time limit, acknowledge that your loved one will be forever impacted by this loss.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
It can be incredibly challenging to find the right words to say when someone loses A parent. Remember that you can’t change their situation, but you can make a difference by opening up space for your friend to communicate with you honestly about their feelings. Here are some examples.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"How are you feeling really?"
Why it works: This open-ended question demonstrates that you have no expectations for how your friend is supposed to react to their parent’s death. Are they feeling sadness, anger, confusion, guilt, relief or a combination of these? This reminds your friend that whatever they are experiencing, none of it is wrong.
"I’m here for you, whether or not you want to talk about it."
Why it works: Your friend may be overwhelmed by emotions. Perhaps what they need is the comforting presence of a friend, with no expectations to share details or have in-depth conversations. This statement takes the pressure off your friend and allows them to set any boundaries they may need.
"Do you want to share some memories of them?"
Why it works: Amid the sadness of the loss, some find comfort in sharing stories and memories of their deceased parent. By expressing curiosity, you affirm that this parent had a unique life story and that they mattered to your friend as well as others in their family and community.
How to recover
Even with the best intentions to comfort your friend around the loss of their parent, you might say something that’s not as helpful as you intended. If you slip up and say something off-target, acknowledge your mistake. Emphasize that you’re struggling with words, but you’re willing to listen and want to better understand their experience.
Other suggestions
Remember to continue checking in on your friend over time, especially after certain events, like a funeral or memorial service, have taken place. Prioritize reaching out around holidays and birthdays, too. Support tends to fade away as time goes on, even though your friend’s grief may remain. Remaining a steady presence for your friend can help them feel less alone in the long run.
Provide gentle encouragement for your friend’s return to social activities or hobbies, especially if they stepped away from them around the time of their parent’s death. They may feel guilty for enjoying life while knowing that their parent has died. Remind them that you support their well-being, and self-care is essential. Living their life does not invalidate their ongoing grief or memories of their parent.